Do you really understand my pain?

Explaining your pain and feelings is hard.

I feel like this is an important topic of discussion because I feel that if the person that was hurting you really understood just how bad they were hurting you then they would maybe want to stop,

or at-least one would hope.

Writing this was really hard for me to talk about and to even admit, and I know I can’t be the only one.

No one wants to say that they are hurting in the first place

let alone talking about being unloved by their own parent(s).

I realize that my story may be different from many others, maybe not.

The point is that your story is unique to you, and you deserve the right to tell it.

This has been weighing heavy on me and not just for my own personal situation.

It’s hard for those who lack empathy to understand.

Even if you do it may just be hard for you to understand at all and you may not know what to do to help..

That’s partly why I am writing this in hopes to help us all understand each other more and maybe open up some discussion about it.

Maybe—just maybe, we will be able to comfort those who are hurting and rattle the hearts of those who feel any guilt while reading this.

Let’s face it, being without a parent is more common than not these days.

It seems almost as if sex has become more of a game for some.

Unfortunately, some of those games that get played ; end up with an actual human being involved.

One thing I will never understand as a parent myself is how anyone can go on living their life not having anything to do with their children.

It literally makes my guts hurt when I think of the children’s hearts involved.

I could NEVER be that parent.

That human being that a lot of people look at as a “game”, tends to be the most innocent thing you have ever been blessed to love. Always remember that.

If you can relate with me at all, you probably cringe at the family history questions required of your doctor too , right?

(simply because you don’t know and aren’t sure how to express that, because all you feel is a million and one emotions).

Do you feel overly envious of other people’s relationships with their family members, too?

Let’s face it: The father of a family is widely known as the protector of his family.

Yes a mother can be, but we all know how common and actual that really is.

Mothers are great and powerful and strong and all of those things: don’t get me wrong.

Children need the love from both of their parents (living or not) .. tremendously.

Their lives are suffering without them and I know, because I am one of them.

I have recently been seeing articles and group posts on Facebook titles “what’s one thing your father has taught you that you will always remember or carry with you?”

For someone like me that’s always a total gut punch .

I would be lying if I didn’t say I was envious and quite a bit jealous.

Seeking the acceptance and love of a father has been something I struggled with since I was a young girl. I always wanted to be “daddy’s princess” or even just “daddy’s little girl”.

You see, my biological dad has always cared more about drugs and alcohol and his girlfriend than he ever has about me or my sister, and our step father would never even let us call him “dad” if that goes to tell you anything.

(That has been my perception anyway)

During all of the times I tried to have a relationship with my real dad throughout my life I honestly could give two cares less about my abusive step dad because I was so focused on what could be and that was really all I wanted.

That alone shows me how powerful that bond can be between a parent and child and just how unimportant it is that your parents stay together.

I am a firm believer in leaving a life you are not happy in.

No, I don’t think divorce is always the answer, but staying together just for the sake of your kids isn’t the answer either.

Happiness is legit the key to a good life.

If mom and dad aren’t happy together, it’s OK for mom and dad to be apart as long as they are still putting their child’s best interest FIRST.

Usually the more bitter the parent is, the more miserable the child is.
The problem being so young and vulnerable was that I never understood the difference between it being his problem rather than it being mine.

Children are 100% innocent

and I don’t really care what anyone has to say about that.

When you are the child being rejected constantly, that’s the furthest from what you believe and it’s hard not to think that its really all you.

You think it’s the way you look, the way you act and that It really Is your fault.

“Your annoying, You were never wanted. You don’t matter. You aren’t loved.”

Those are the thoughts I can relate to being a young girl and even as an adult.

And not having anyone else at all to help pick up the pieces correctly left me a giant mess for so long.

Supposedly my real father “wanted” to have a relationship with us and says he tried to call , tried to send gifts, and tried to write letters.

For a short moment, I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and I listened to him as an adult believing in what he was telling me.

So I gave him another chance, selfishly so.. not just for me though, I wanted him to be a grandpa to my kids.

BAM— just like that,

he proved to me that nothing will ever change.

Once again as a grown woman and mother of my own children,

I was left feeling like that little girl again.

That was when I decided that I couldn’t endure any more of that pain and I didn’t want to let my kids see me go through it anymore.

I will admit, the situation was so draining I was becoming angry at the wrong things and people from not understanding for so long

And ultimately all of my actions and emotions will reflect on my kids sooner rather than later.

Slowly but surely I have been piecing myself together and figuring out who I really am,

but damn it sure has taken a lot of time, hard realizations and heartache to get here.

I seriously just let it go.

I accepted the fact that my Heavenly Father is all I needed as far as a father goes.

And he just so happened to bless me with a man who protects me more than anything or anyone on this earth.

I am learning quickly that that its all I truly need.

What you need may be 100% different, but god totally knew I needed Jordan and he knew Jordan needed me..

he made Jordan fight hard for me in the beginning, but look where we are now!

(He’s funny that way ain’t he?;) )

Life gets messy and we all have bad days

We all do!!

But, at the end of the day we love each other and our kids all equally the same, and we love HARD!

I believe that there are many many good people out there who parent children who are not their biological children,

and they do an amazing job at it.

I have witnessed how big of an impact that it can be for the children living in loving and accepting households.

From the eyes of a young girl, i know that there is sometimes an annoyance in having step kids.

I have felt it myself and have witnessed it in other people’s homes too.

That feeling can be felt deeply by the kids whether the adults know it or not or are even aware of it or not.

In fact, anyone who is an empathetic can likely sense those situations really quick.

My tip: If you feel yourself being annoyed with your step child try finding what it is that’s triggering that annoyance and try to fix that first.

Children’s feelings are not to be played around with because of personal issues**

After wondering how many of us in this world feel the same, I started to look up statistics.

Guys.. there’s way too many to share all of them, but just a few here..

It’s saddening and extremely eye opening.

Statistics

• 63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes (US Dept. Of Health/Census) – 5 times the average.

• 85% of all children who show behavior disorders come from fatherless homes – 20 times the average.  (Center for Disease Control)

• 80% of rapists with anger problems come from fatherless homes –14 times the average.  (Justice & Behavior, Vol 14, p. 403-26)

• 71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes.  (National Principals Association Report)

I am blessed for the path I have been on, regardless of where I have been in the past.

Please just love your children as fiercely as you can.

Accept them and their flaws. Support them in what they do.

And most importantly let them know that you care for them and that you think of them often,

even when your not around.

They want to know they are important too.

After all, they are a portion of you.. and they need you, all of you.

Think hard about that.

More than likely each person throughout their life will be asked, “who are your parents?”

For us, sometimes the questions of uncertainty linger all day or all week;

Not to mention when you go through a major life change or a health change, like having a baby—you want to share that with them.

Which can end up leaving you In a state of grief all over again and it’s harder than hell to get out.

The knowledge of the past stays with us. To let go is to release the images and emotions, the grudges and fears, the clinging and disappointments of the past that bind our spirit”

Jack Kornfield

The strength we gain from this happening time and time again is something I don’t think should go un noticed.
And for those who don’t understand, please know that we also need to know we are loved too.

So many people are walking around feeling unloved and unworthy on a daily basis, and the more and more angry our world is becoming for other reasons makes it so much harder to find people to love us the way we want to love.

Every single person is deserving of compassion, love, patience, empathy and understanding.

This world is already lonely enough for how many people there out there.

Smile at strangers more, offer to hold a door open to show someone that they are worth your time,

and even tell someone you hope they have a good day ( even when they look like they won’t).

A little bit of kindness can go a very long way for the hurt and the lonely.

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and let your loved ones know how special they are to you and that their life makes a huge difference in yours.

Show them that you understand, that alone can comfort someone.

You never know when you can save someone from a bout of heartache, loneliness, or maybe even save them from harming themselves.

We need each other.

Love,

Mama in Grace.

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