Honesty Motherhood

In the midst of languish

“If we don’t fight for what we ‘stand for’ with our passionate words and honest actions, do we really ‘stand’ for anything?”

It’s the night of the super bowl. My early morning was rather stressful—more so than usual, and my guts hurt.

Sounds crazy, but I have always held my stress in my stomach.

My Sunday evening consisted of the usual.

Cook everyone Dinner, feed everyone dinner, clean dirty children, tend to needy children, clean up messes they make before I can even make myself a plate, feed baby, 10 second scarf your food as fast as you can or else you won’t eat at all session, bathe children, brush everyone’s teeth, read a book or 3 or 5, say goodnight prayers, feed baby again, maybe get some squats in, and then finally time to chill..

Whoa that’s a lot to do (and not even everything), and it all happens every night!

For some of us I should say.. that chill time doesn’t come as quickly.

Some mamas work super late, some take online classes, but others like me working or not, choose to inflict a huge workload onto ourselves even when we aren’t even getting paid four it!

I used to drive myself nuts every night and would clean everything in the house before I could lay my own head down at night. That wore me out really, really fast after having just one child.

Now three minions later, I’m wiped by the end of even a somewhat (relaxed) day. Relaxed day for me means I didn’t make it out of my pajamas, like at all.

Most days I have my priorities straight, I would say pajamas all day qualifies as a priority sometimes.

Today was one of those not so good days, though. And it has really gotten to me.

Someone that I could really care less about but someone I basically have to see, somehow manages to throw fireballs in my life on a consistent basis, and it’s flippin’ stressful y’all.

No matter how hard I try to keep positive. It just still holds its weight on me.

I recently have given up on all of that old workload standard I held on myself in the evenings, for an almost 4 month old who is attached to my boob for 6 hours straight.

Legit attached.

Tonight my wonderful man was so kind that after I bathed our oldest two and got them all ready for bed, hadn’t even cleaned up the multiple messes around the house yet, but he insisted I get in the bath tub.

My heart sank.

Of course In these moments i feel so undeserving at times so much so that I usually deny any offerings.. but this time I didn’t hesitate much.

This time it wasn’t as much of a mental battle for me as it was a countdown mission on how quickly I could get undressed and into my tub of steaming hot water( don’t all of us mamas love those red hot lobster baths?)

It was just one of those rare nights where I actually felt the need to take care of myself for a short while.

These are the days I am thankful for all of the chaos and crazy that Jordan and I have created.

We may not have the nicest house, and sometimes we argue, but one thing that is consistent day in and day out is our love for one another.

And I truly know from experience that not everyone gets to experience life with someone like that.

I really don’t know what I did to be so deserving of the one thing I always wanted but never thought I would have.

I realize how blessed I am every moment of mostly every day. It’s crazy because what I pictured my life would be like at age 25 it’s no where near where it’s at right now. And I really love that!

I can’t imagine if life turned out the way I planned for it to. To be honest, I never wanted to be a mom. I had big dreams to be an independent woman because I hated watching others depend so much on the people in their life.

I wanted to be a nurse and was actually invested into 3 years of nursing school before I got pregnant with our first born and I finally decided after being fired from my CNA job for being “unreliable” (due to lifting restrictions), that being in the medical field was totally not for me.

I wanted to be available for my children day in and day out. Something I never had but know I would have benefited immensely from.

I do have that now and I’m grateful we have been able to make that work for us.

I decided quickly after holding my baby boy for the first time that I was going to do what ever I had to do to make my baby happy and to do the best I can to achieve a happy life.

And I work my absolute hardest daily to achieve that still and always will!

I’m thankful for all of those times, and looking back now, I don’t feel like I wasted my time. I learned a lot about myself and about life in general. I don’t regret any of it.

That all started with me and me only. And I failed to realize that at the time, because those times were tough. You look at life so much more different when it leads you down an inadequate road.

What a lot of people don’t realize is that being happy isn’t as hard as a lot of people make it seem. I have had my weeks of unhappiness, that’s for sure.

But what I can say from experience is that it always took so much more out of me to be depressed or upset than it did to just smile and make others smile.

Through the smiles though has always lied a large amount of heartache.

I think there’s a lot of that I’m this world. You look around and see the people including celebrities that seem so happy to the public eye but sooner or later people realize what’s really going on.

You either have a Britney breakdown, and you rise back up. Or you become a Mary Kate and Ashley and literally run with what you got. Speaking of those twins.. does anyone even know what they are up to besides still make millions off of their investments?!

It leaves you wondering why and what the heck could make them not happy? They have everything they could have ever wanted.

What these people don’t realize is that we all deal with these negativities. None of us are perfect and none of us have perfect lives.

God forbid happy, wealthy, and successful people have feelings too.

Only in a perfect world will there be no negativity. And that’s the world Jesus has promised us. We are living through the hardest times right now because biblically , we have to… thanks Satan!

We need people in our lives to encourage us and remind us of where we are going and what we are truly living for! Especially on those not so good days.

Our end destination should always be our main focus!

-Courtney

    1 Comment

  1. Merely a smiling visitant here to share the love (:, btw great style and design. “Better by far you should forget and smile than that you should remember and be sad.” by Christina Georgina Rossetti.

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