Keep Moving Forward
Life is truly a beautiful thing.
There are things and people that come and go, and always new opportunities to become better at something or to become something new. Especially when it comes to the new year.
It’s easy to talk about how easy it really is to live a happy life, but hoping I’m not just speaking for myself here.. it’s actually a lot harder than it sounds.
And I feel like not many people talk about how hard it really can be.
Talking about these things has become so therapeutic for me. I know, understand and respect that it’s not that way for everyone. But since I feel like i can, I will. Mental Health is such a touchy subject.
I’m a woman of action because I believe that when I say something it’s not as powerful as it would be to actually do it. I’m all about making things happen, and that’s a strength I have always had.
Using my platform I have created and writing these posts that I know thousands of people are reading is my way of putting action into the topic of Mental Health and my passion for helping others.
Let’s rewind things a bit.
My entire life my thought process has been that when you are born into this world you have a mother and a father who helped create you. So therefore the love they have for you should prolong and outlast any others along with the siblings beside you. After all, you wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for them in the first place.
Being a child born into this world being unwelcomed from the womb, my body has felt every bit of it. I didn’t realize how much of an effect it would have on me as I have gotten older. The younger me was so naive and ignorant to what the bigger picture really was or that I was even being abused.
All I have ever wanted was what I craved.
To be loved, and I would do anything I could to get me there. I chose to ignore the unhealthy habits in order to cope with how I was feeling. Piecing together the broken things has always been a struggle for me because I have always tried to just do it alone.
I thought that everyone dealt with the things I did. I was unaware of my anxiety, and I figured that my eating issues and unhealthy habits were more because of allergies or something else. and less of my situation at home. Now that I’m older I’m starting to figure things out for what they really are.
My faith is strong but handing things over to god has always been so hard for me.
After going through so many phases of feeling like im over it, and then having something resurface back to the top to drag me under water again. Really tells me that I’m clearly not over it. Reliving the same emotions can be so confusing sometimes.
It feels like grief can last a lifetime.
A certain memory could pop up from driving by a certain place, or you could see a picture, hear a song, or smell something that familiarizes yourself to those memories. Don’t even get me started on comparison trap.. that thing gets me every time.
Most days I think about moving away and starting somewhere new with my family. It hurts to feel and know that you are alone. It’s easy to want to just leave.
Truthfully, that won’t fix anything.
Those same people will still be there doing the same thing and talking about the same stuff 20 years from now. Nothing I or anyone else can do can change that. What good would it do me to run away from the place that I call home? To make my anxiety worse?
I have realized that it’s best and actually the easiest for me to just be me.
Wanting to run away from my problems is something I have been working on not doing. I have embraced so much more positive change when I confront issues right dead where they are instead of constantly hiding myself from them.
Learning to be myself is essentially the hardest thing I have ever done.
I have to break through this emotional barrier. and I don’t care how long it takes me or how many people will continue to leave my life. I deserve to be truly happy, and so does my family.
We all deserve to be welcomed at someone’s table.
Unashamed, unafraid, and with no judgement.
Being stuck in this never ending mindset I have now finally began to realize the importance and truth in my journey. There is a reason for the trials whether I see it now or not. I have to have faith in this process and my life evolving.
Sharing my story was never to hurt anyone, not to shine the light on anyone, but most importantly to help myself. And maybe to help someone else find some relation in what I’m saying. So they don’t have to feel like they are alone, too.
I’ve learned that words can be used to comfort and I always have loved having people to talk to. but truth is the only thing that will heal me is the truth.
Honesty & loyalty are what attract me most in a person.
Not accepting that I was never wanted and literally pushing myself into people’s lives who have never cared to be a part of mine has really hurt me. You can’t force people to do things they don’t want to do, including caring about you or loving you.
The sting that stings the most is when it’s someone you know is supposed to love you, or at-least should love you.
Not being accepted by your own family is one of the most horrid feelings Ive ever tried to explain. I’m not even sure how to explain how it feels. But I do know I’m not alone, and that it hurts like hell. And I wish more people would share how this truly effects them in their life.
It almost feels like you aren’t a part of this world at all, or like you will just never be accepted by anyone.
Of course talking about it makes me feel like I’m throwing myself a pity party, and I hate that too.
Thankfully I married a man that knows so much of how I feel, and thank god we can comfort one another. He understands my wants and needs more than anyone ever has. We have both learned from our past and do what we can to show our kids the love they deserve.
I never want my kids to question who they are because of what and who their father and I allowed in their life.
Useless, worthless, ugly, not good enough, invisible. These are feelings I have always had since I was a little girl, and I will do my best to protect my own kids from feeling them. No human should ever feel like they are useless. It’s just not meant to be that way.
No one should ever feel alone in such a big world.
I have a large family in the very small town that I live in. Word gets around quick and when one person doesn’t like you (especially one of your own family members), it gets around even quicker.
This has made loving myself such a mess. A very emotional one at that.
As a child I was told one thing and shown another. For the longest time the thought and feeling of love was just so jaded in my mind. Love isn’t abuse. Love isn’t shame. And love isn’t secrets.
Love is open, it is honest, it’s not proud, and it’s accepting. Love is the family I have now created.
That means that I have had to learn how to love myself. For me, It’s been that I need to be open, honest and accepting but for myself first. You can’t pour from an empty cup, and you can’t carry someone on your back if you aren’t already standing on your own two feet.
Sometimes i spin myself in circles trying to constantly create a love that isn’t or wasn’t ever there and it makes me so tired. It’s like trying to fit a square into a circle. Some things will just never be.
Being rejected or put down in multiple ways and multiple times in a row can really beat you down mentally. And eventually if you let it, it can literally kill you.
I was stuck in a rut of what i thought love was for way too long.
Playing a different part was a part of my daily routine. and playing that part that wasn’t me for so long made me realize the things about myself that I never mentioned before.
I’ve been a fighter in a fight that no one has known anything about.
I question myself and every little thing I do. I wonder if people knew who I truly was or what I have been through if they would even want anything to do with me. The wonder is constant and sometimes all I want is for those feelings to go away.
Where you come from and the way you were raised play such a huge part in your Mental Health. Mental health isn’t just a passion for me, it’s a huge desire that our world is longing to be filled.
The world needs authenticity.
The world needs you, and your story.
Until sharing mine I never realized it which is why I feel like it’s so important for me to stress it.
Thinking about what my life would be like with my heart exposed absolutely terrified me a year ago. Having lived most of my life filled with words that weren’t true made me really believe them. It not only effected my life, but my kids as well.
After being with someone like Jordan who didn’t understand why I hated myself so much, I started to seek the truth in what was truly holding me back.
I found that along with truth you also need answers. Finding these answers hasn’t been easy, but it’s been effective for me. The truth isn’t ever easy to hear but it’s what we need to hear.
The answer I have come to realize and accept is that my life doesn’t need to look perfect. Family doesn’t need to be blood. And you don’t need to be friends with all of the people. After all, it doesn’t really matter what other people think of you. Even if they think you suck.
I always was my biggest setback and I don’t want to be anymore.
There are many people that don’t like me now more than they ever have before. And the sad thing is that I am the happiest I have ever been. Crazy how that works, isn’t it?
It feels good to stand firm in every word I say because that’s the woman I have always wanted to be.
I choose to live for me now because living for others is what broke me down.
Wondering what I was doing wrong to make others not love me the way I loved them made me feel completely less than. Don’t you think we all deserve to spend our life doing what’s best for our self?
You can still be a good person, and still say no.
As long as you are happy at the end of the day with the decisions you make and the things you do, then I would say you are living your best life.
It doesn’t get much better than that if you ask me.
Need to feel some love? This song helps me, and i hope it helps you too.