More lions, less sheep

I am writing this post in a way different place today then normal. And thats ok. Today was one of the “those” days.. do you ever have one of those?

It’s always been somewhat easy for me to be stabilize my happiness on not only my hope for my own future but for my kids as well. That hope has made it easy for me to keep thriving, wanting more.

Sure I have days, we all do I’m sure. Where stress, fear, worry, maybe even anger take over our entire day. I woke up today feeling a lot of those same negative emotions.. why I thought? What brought this on? I have been doing so good lately- the entire past few months has been filled with a whole lot of positivity in my life! Sometimes I tend to get caught up in the little moments of negativity throughout those weeks.. and those little moments sometimes drain me. Maybe it was something someone said to me that hurt me. Maybe it was the actions of yourself or someone else that you cant take back. Typically it’s from a buildup of things.

The holidays have passed and a lot of that relief of the stress and worry of “are my kids going to be happy and fulfilled” questions are gone. But the new year is here! It has started off with a bang! Maybe my mind really can’t handle so much positivity at once. Just kidding! – it is possible! Who knows! Literally so many good things I am so thankful for including the birth of our third beautiful baby. And Although there is so much positive, I too, still have my moments.

I am human. I am me. I can’t control my thoughts or feelings anymore than I can allow them.

Today I’m emotional.. angry, and relieved. Angry at the fact that I have always been so focused on having the right people in my life that I have been waiting on the wrong ones. Its most definitely easier said then done. You always see those families.. pictures of entire families all together on holidays and together in life’s most important moments, in pure happiness. People that actually enjoy being around one another, everyone. Blood or not. Those people are the people that make you become you, and the people that will influence your life the most. This can be good or bad. You have to decide that for yourself.

Whatever it is that you see that makes your heart ache in envy. I promise to you that it’s coming.

I woke up today also having a sense of relief. Relief from the burdens I have carried of not being good enough. Because damnit, I AM good enough. I’m good enough for every relationship in my life, every friendship. I don’t have to listen to the bad things that are said about me. I know the truth. I can choose to let them consume my thoughts when I look to myself or I can use them as fuel to my fire to prove to not anyone else but myself to be right. I am learning how to turn my anger and my sadness into thankfulness and gratefulness. I am thankful for the scars i have. Grateful that I have learned from them.

“A truly strong person does not need the approval of others any more than

a lion needs the approval of sheep.”

*Vernon Howard

I have learned that the kind of people I truly want in my life are becoming more of a rare breed, harder to find. I do love most people, don’t get me wrong! But I’m talking about the people that you allow in your home, allow in your life enough to share your secrets with, to trust enough to let them alone with your kids. I crave knowing these kind of people, I crave to see the goodness in people, and most important in ALL people. These people I crave to know are non judgmental, full of grace, open arms, loving, emotional, caring, brutally honest, laughable, they have bad days, the ones who make mistakes too.

Not every person will meet that comfort for you, that’s ok too. Remember who to stay close to.

We all need more grace. I say these things because the person I fight hard to be is full of GRACE. I am not perfect. None of us are. Although I feel judged everywhere I go, and always have. I am learning to let go of the opinions of others. Learning to be more like the people I want in my life. Learning to be fierce and have the courage to stand out. Most importantly learning to be the best me and having enough confidence to do so. Those floodgates can finally open, and those walls I have held up for years have finally starting to come down. Some days the power in those walls is too hard for me to beat and they stay up. Have grace enough for yourself to know that you are allowed those days. Allow yourself those days that you are stubborn. The days you don’t answer your phone or the door. Those days where you just feel like screaming because literally no one gets it. Or gets you. You don’t get you. It gets traumatizing when you don’t recognize yourself or your feelings. We all have those days, I thinks that’s very important for us all to know. Emotions take over easily and they are very real.

Allow yourself these things and when the dust of the chaotic mess in side your mind settles, then allow yourself to move on and accept it as it is. Start fresh with a new day and surround yourself around people you truly love to be around. And literally move. On.

Allow yourself REST.

I tend to love people at their most raw selves. I love the kind of people who love you need matter what you do, say, wear, feel, or how you live. The kind of people that aren’t afraid to tell you their true emotions and won’t get offended when you express yours. The ones who love your children as their own. The people that even though they disagree with you political choice and they might get a bit angry, they still hug and love you. The type of people who accept your bad days. The ones who have bad days themselves. The people who smile when they see you because they simply enjoy saying hi or giving you a hug or maybe a kiss on the cheek. The people who allow you to be yourself and don’t look at you in judgement. Those that can know your deepest secrets, but still love you the same. The people who want you in their life as much as you want them in yours.

“I am not afraid of an army of lions led by a sheep; I am afraid of an army of sheep led by a lion.”

-Alexander the Great

Remember when I said before that it’s important to find what inspires you? Inspiration is key to hope. Lions inspire me. Not just because I’m Leo, but lions have always stood out to me. Lions stay true to their pride, or pact in other words. The lion has forever been known for not only being fearless but as a symbol of strength, courage, power, and ferocity.

I want to be fearless. I am at the point In my life now where I have the courage to receive more of that power and become more ferocious In what I want.

When our actions are based on our intellect only and we run our lives just for basic survival, doing only what we have to and what daily life demands from us, we focus only on a small and limited part of our being. That’s not survival, that’s just getting by.

You need to do what you have to, to survive. Get after it and get it. Whatever fuels your fire, Whatever feeds your soul, aggressively search for it. Whatever relationships make you happy, build them. Whatever makes you smile, do more of it. Become your own type of badass and be the king or queen of your own jungle by taking the ultimate throne which lies within your happiness and your wholeness as a person.

Stay courageous my friends.

My thoughts were all over the place with this one. Bare with me as I find healing in writing them down. Hopefully someone else can too.

Blessings,

Courtney

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